All in God’s timing – Morry Deed
Mar 27, 2013 2053
By Morry Deed
In 2005 my family and I shifted down to Melbourne where we still reside. Reasons were to be closer to family and for me to enter an internship at a local church. Before I had found a job, we got bad news that a friend of ours had suddenly died. I found this pretty devastating as did everyone that knew him. I remember praying that he not die when I heard the news from my wife. As he was taken to meet the ambulance I prayed and prayed. Then the second phone call came from my wife: “they couldn’t revive him.” As I stood there for a second, I remember thinking “if this happens to a man who devotes his life to God and His causes, a Godly man, then I have no chance.” It was only a fleeting thought and I didn’t remember I had thought it till later (stay with me this all ties in – this story covers a nearly 6 year period).
Later that year I got a job with an air-con company and life wheeled on. I put the internship on hold to make money (in hindsight?)
Around June-July of 2006, I was working in Alphington when I had a medium panic (anxiety) attack. I had experienced them some years before, yet had been healed at church from them.
I thought it a little strange, yet dealt with it. Maybe a month later, I had another one. Then they started coming with more frequency – one a week, one every few days. Within a matter of a few months, I was having 3 to 4 large, heavy (acute) panic attacks every day. Then the pace changed and my every waking hour was a panic attack – it seemed like reality was being pulled from my mind. See: http://www.anxietyawareness.com/what-is-anxiety.php (This will help explain what I was experiencing.)
I went to see the doctor on a Friday night. Anti-depressants were prescribed. The first ones made it worse, the second had no side effects. Welcome to the week from hell. I had been working full-time up to this point. Now I was in a state. I thought I was going to be sent into the mental ward. To describe the fear, dread, panic I felt, is hard. I found it hard just walking to the back door. I would wake up in a panic. Every waking moment was pure fear.
I rang my boss and he was very supportive and gave me the week off. By the end of the week the meds had started to work, yet I still felt horrible. My boss told me something helpful: “Come into work on Monday. You need to push yourself. It’s part of your recovery. If you stay home too long it will get worse.”
As hard as it was, I pushed myself into work. As the meds started to work, symptoms got less and less. Within a few months and with the dose doubled, I had no more full panic attacks, just depression (I was diagnosed with depressive anxiety disorder ). When the doctor diagnosed me with depressive anxiety disorder, I told him I wasn’t depressed, but just had anxiety. “No,” he said, “depression is the cause of your attacks.” With the anxiety out off the way through meds, the depression came to the fore.
As time went on I didn’t get any support (didn’t go to shrink). I didn’t understand why this happened. Why had God let this happen? I felt cheated. Then the self-medicating started: the drug of choice, the drink.
It started out small but by the time I stopped (4 years later), I was drunk every weekend. I mean pissed. I drank on a marathon…still depressed and with a drinking habit. Things were about to change.
Many things happened in this 5 year period, yet I can only brush through them. Through this time I still prayed to God, yet for that week when it first hit me hard, and for two years, it was as if my prayers and pleas to God went as high as my head and then fell to the ground. I felt the devil come and take my pleas etc. It wasn’t until two years later that I realised why my prayers weren’t being heard. God dropped into my spirit what I had thought when my mate died: ”if this happens to a man who devotes his life to God and His causes, a Godly man) then I have no chance.” He showed me I had cut Him off through doubt in my times of need – the belief that God wasn’t out to protect me, that He would forsake me in my hour of need. With this fixed my prayers were working again and things changed. I could feel God again. Still this depression etc went on for another 2 or so years.
Around march 2011(at this time the depression was at its worse and invading all parts of my life with its negativity though if you didn’t know me well i wouldn’t let on ), my wife handed me a book from Beyond Blue which my father in-law had dropped off, entitled Understanding Panic Attacks. I took this book to work and read it in slow times. What it said helped me understand what I was going through and what to do to get out of it
It showed me how to pin-point cause and effect etc. I found I had blamed God for my mate’s death. I had doubted His goodness.And had blamed Him for my illness . I made peace with God, forgave Him and asked for forgiveness. Within 3 days I started off the anti-depressants. It took me ages with many side effects …(don’t go off your meds please without talking to your doctor)
As soon as I began cutting down the pills, beer was going down as well. By the 4th week I was drinking substantially less. Now 3 months later it is virtually gone. And without any effort. My depression is completely gone along with the anxiety.
I started going back to church and within 4 weeks or so, gradually God set me alight once more. I have a greater understanding and peace now than ever before in my spiritual walk through adversity.
(Rom 8:28 We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.)
I feel stronger in God than when I was younger and full of fire. Now I know His peace. Through what I went through my spiritual life with Christ has come out purified and strong. How this happened remains a mystery, yet praise be to God who causes us to stand though the storms threaten – though we feel the end coming. It is only His purification process. Not that He caused any of the bad stuff, yet He used it to strengthen my metal and show me deeper into His spiritual realm and reality……. cheers Moz.
p.s If you suffer from panic or depression get professional help and trust God that he will never forsake you …Find someone who believes in God to talk to yet be careful of those who tell you just to snap out of it or all you need is faith though well meaning these people can do more harm than good . Gods grace is more than sufficient for you.” Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” deut 31:6